May 2009

Cement Shoes

I was at the gym earlier today, on the elliptical, and one of the Master Trainer’s came over and we started talking.  Malik is a Mets fan, I am a Yankees fan, so the comedy always ensues in our conversations. 

This time though it wasn’t at each others expense.  It was at the expense of one of the Yankees arch enemies, and it made me raise an eyebrow.  Malik pointed out to me that David Ortiz is doing awful this year, the same year his jersey was buried at the new Yankee Stadium.
Did this anger the ghosts maybe?  Or does Ortiz just have a Tom Selleck size hole in his swing? 

He’s only batting .189.  He only has one home run.  He is no longer batting third or fourth.  He was recently sixth in the Boston lineup.

Regardless of what is going on, I think it was a great point by Malik.  I told him I would blog about it, and I am a man of my word. 

Reality Bites

I’m sorry I have to vent a little bit.  Reality TV needs to take a dirt nap, and quick.  It’s like crack, it’s addicting, and as principal Joe Carter said to Sams on the roof, “It kills your brain cells, it kills your brain cells!”

The Real World
Yeah let’s start with this gem.  Remember, the title of the show is, The Real World.  Yeah seven brats in a mansion in the middle of a gigantic city, not paying rent, jobs are found for them, and they sit around and talk smack about each other.  Sounds like the real world to me.  Everything was handed to me and my friends too.  We just fell *** backwards into a mansion, complete with an in the ground pool and jacuzzi, and were given drop dead gorgeous, scantily clad roommates with who we could frolic with to our hearts content. 
You want the real Real World?  Put seven strangers in a New York apartment that costs upwards of around 3,000 dollars or more a month and it only sleeps two.  Make these twits FIND jobs, actually PAY rent, and if they want to go for a swim, the Hudson or the East River are lovely this time of year.  Jacuzzi you ask?  Well just use some natural human gas to give you a little bubble action whilst your in the river of your choice.  By the way, I still wouldn’t watch.

Keeping up with the Kardashians

This show is absolutely pointless, and the people who actually care about keeping up with these people need help.  Seriously, you people need help.  Try keeping up with your family, and keeping up with your kids, and stop living vicariously through these NITWITS who have more money than you will ever see in three lifetimes.  You just keep contributing to their VERY large bank accounts when you “keep up with them”. 
By the way, Kim, sweetie, when you get older, that thing on your body that is making you who you are today, especially after you have a child, is just going to be one big lump of cellulite.  Don’t worry though, the morons who are following you now, will find someway to make you a story then.  Enjoy your extended 15 minutes of fame.

The Hills
I haven’t watched one single solitary second of this show.  I only know about the thing through word of mouth.  Just looking at the dude Spencer though, one word comes to mind, I don’t know if its in the dictionary, but it starts with something women do and ends with the thing you put groceries in.  Enough said.

Really?  This is the title you went with?  Survivor?  Another show I haven’t watched one single solitary second of and I am proud of that because I was able to use those seconds to do more important things.  I know the premise of the show.  Don’t get me wrong.  The tribes, the tribal council, when your torch is extinguished it’s see ya later for you, and the last one standing gets the million.  You have your little challenges.  I’m very familiar with it.  When it was first popular you couldn’t open a paper or watch TV without seeing something about it. 
You want to really impress me though?  You want a show called Survivor?  Jeff Probst stay home.  Nothing against you brother you’re just trying to work.  I respect that.  I’m just saying take these people, drop them on a remote part of an island, come back in 6 months, see who’s left, then have them fight to the death.  That’s a show, and I still wouldn’t watch…well maybe, for the goof. 
By the way the contestants need to get over themselves.  You are not celebrities, you are game show contestants.  I’ve seen tons of people on the Price is Right in my life, guess what, I have no clue where they are, or how their new curio cabinet is that they won back in 1986.  I don’t have any idea where the Collins family is either from Family Feud back in the day.  Game show contestants.  Sound it out if you are having trouble.  Game…show…con-test-ants.  Focus on the last syllable, because in the scheme of things, thats where you are in the celebrity food chain.  Now all we need is a magnifying glass and a nice cloudless, hot, sunny day.  Perfect.

American Idol
If you want to be a singer, bring more to the table than doing live karaoke on television.  How about writing some songs?  How about playing an instrument?  All of the people who made it throughout the years were probably never handed a chance like this, now these people are just getting record deals thrown at them?  And all they have to do is take a little verbal abuse from my name is Simon, and I like drawrings?  Taylor Hicks, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?

Jon and Kate +8
You know this is a sad state of reality for kids today.  I am the
father of a six month old daughter.  When she continues to grow up and
watch TV, she is going to see this as her way to claim fame.  Let’s see
dad, all I have to do is have multiple babies, or if that doesn’t work
I can just find a rich guy, make a sex tape, marry him, take him for
all he’s worth, and get a reality show out of it.  What ever happened
to just going to college and having a career? 
Oh and as for the show, I don’t care if you are cheating on him, or he
is cheating on you.  Have some more kids, maybe that will help.  Maybe
you’ll get 125k a show instead of 75k.  By the way, Kate, I spiked my hair in 1987.  My freshman year of high school.
A mother of eight is no more special than a mother of one.  Stop exploiting your children, but save some of that cash for their future therapy sessions. 

Not a reality show, but she makes my skin crawl.  On food stamps, with collagen in her lips, and a publicist.  Only in America.   Thanks, Oprah!  Keep up the good work glorifying these faux celebritites.  

America only YOU have the power to stop this nonsense.  Look away.  Don’t watch.  For our kids sakes.  I know you like to watch train wrecks, but no one likes rubberneckers.  Put your foot on the gas and look straight ahead.  You’ll make the world a better place.

Boys and Girls the Shearn Soap Box is back under the bed…

All Hail Joel McHale and The Soup!  Ever think of a co-host or correspondent buddy?  I’d be all about it!

The Yankees are in first place.

All is right with the world.  The REAL world.

Two is greater than four

Yes, boys and girls, it’s time for a little math lesson. Here is our equation for today: 
2 > 4. For those of you who aren’t math whiz kids, (including myself who had to almost Google which sign was the greater sign) this translates into two is greater than four.  

Now I know in the literal sense two is not greater than four. I think we all know, if I have two snowballs and The Blob has four snowballs, I am leaving the fight with two extra bruises. Thus making four greater than two. 

However, in the baseball sense, in regards to a certain New York Yankees pitcher, two is greater than four (2 > 4). Joba Chamberlain’s two pitches out of his right hand coming out of the bullpen are greater than and outweigh the four pitches he is bringing to the table as a starter. I know I am being impatient, I know I may have a touch of JJD or BJD when it comes to where to use Chamberlain, but I truly believe, as many other people do, that Joba needs to go back to the bullpen.

Think about it. He is not giving the Yankees length on a consistent basis. He is pitching four and change, five and change and six and change at best. He’s on a strict pitch count, and he’s on a short leash because of a season innings limit. Why tax your own bullpen leaving early, when you can become very taxing to the opposing team later in the game.

I’m not an expert. I’ve never put myself out there as one and never will. I’m just an Average Joe fan who has been around the game of baseball my entire life. I’m not the only one saying it either. I’m not going to take credit for this stroke of genius. I don’t have a lab at home where I sit and concoct ways to make the Yankees better.  

However, putting Joba back into the pen will make the Yankees better. Especially now that Brian Bruney is back on the DL. Only time will tell what is wrong with his elbow, and if it’s something serious, it only makes the equation more viable.  

Yes boys and girls, two would be greater than four indeed.

Be Quiet

I know this is supposed to be a space where I give my off the wall view on the New York Yankees, but there are going to be occasions, such as today, when I want to give my off the wall view on other topics. This is going to be one of those times…and we’re off!

This is going back a little bit, but remember those Rodney Dangerfield Young Comedian specials that used to air on HBO? Well there was a guy on there once, David Tyree, no not the Giants wide receiver, a funny comedian, you tube him if you get the chance. (Did I just use you tube as a verb? Paging Websters, we have a new verb for you.)

One of his very funny bits was, there are certain times in your life where you should just, be quiet. This was his example, “If you’re getting into an elevator, and there is a guy in there in his underwear, with a machete, and a big booger hanging out of his nose. You should just, be quiet. This guy has other stuff on his mind.”

You should not only be quiet in that situation, you should look inside said elevator and say, “No man its cool, I’ll get the next one.”

I am bringing this all up because of Cavaliers guard Mo Williams. Williams is in a bit of a pickle. It may be too late for him. He already threw himself into the elevator by giving a guarantee that the Cavs would win the Eastern Conference Finals. They still can, and this can all be moot, but I figured I would have fun while I could.

That being said, Cleveland finds itself on the brink of being bounced out of the playoffs after sweeping through the first two rounds with the greatest of ease. Now the trapeze is about to snap and there is no net beneath Williams and his team.

Listen, it’s okay to think you are the best team in the NBA. It’s okay to have the confidence to think that when you are down in a series, that you and your team are going to turn things around and win it all. What are you going to do? Think you’re going to lose?

However, the minute you go public and stamp a guarantee on something, you immediately put pressure on your teammates, and a lot of pressure on a city that hasn’t won a championship since 1964 when the Browns won the NFL title.

Next thing you know, you’re losing the series and getting on that elevator with the dude in his Fruit of the Looms, holding a machete, and in desperate need of a tissue.

Mo for your sake and the sake of Cleveland, I sincerely hope you are going up, and in an empty elevator.

We’re Going STREAKING!

yankees_250_052209.jpgNo, not through the quad Snoop-a-loop, through the Blue Jays, Twins and Orioles. It’s nine and counting and the defending champion Phillies stand in the way of the streak continuing. It should be a fun weekend of baseball in the Boogie Down. It’s the Phillies’ first trip back to the Bronx since 2000. They are 1-5 against the Yankees in New York and 8-10 overall.

Let’s get back to this current nine-game winning streak. You are all probably sick of me bringing this up. Probably even to the point of regurgitation. But even during a winning streak, something positive, people are still out on a ledge with this team in this area. You just can’t make it up. Janet Jackson Disease is still in the air. I don’t get it. Do the Yankees have to go 162-0 for everyone to just remain calm? Somehow I have a feeling if they did, someone, somewhere, would find a way to pooh pooh the perfection and nitpick about how they only won by a run in 50 of their games.

Believe it or not boys and girls, callers on radio shows in the greater New York area were calling up during the Twins series, and moaning and complaining because the Yankees were only winning the games by a run. Let me get this straight: Instead of just sitting back and enjoying a five-game winning streak at the time, you are going to sit on hold for at least an hour, finally get on the air, and this is what you’re bringing to the table? Is there any joy in any of your lives? Seriously. This area has a fever, and the only prescription isn’t more cowbell, it’s winning.

Well at least I thought it was. Now even though they are winning and getting good pitching and timely hitting, people still aren’t satisfied. Enough with the Debbie Downer attitudes, people. When times are good, you have to take your half empty glass, and make it half full. You have to turn the frown upside down or you will be taken in by a new strain. Oh yeah. A new one. I’m putting JJD on the backburner.

We all know swine flu is scaring the bejesus out of people, but I have discovered something far worse. Billy Joel Disease – “I Go to Extremes.” Here’s a refresher if you need it:

Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?

Darling I don’t know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain’t no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It’s all or nothing at all

You can’t get too high or too low with this team. Just stay at an even keel and everything will be fine. However, if you can’t, the doctor is always in discovering new afflictions and trying to come up with a cure.

And the winners are…

We’ve waited long enough.  The winners of the new stadium nickname contest are:

The Palace of Pinstripes or Pinstriped Palace

Either way its said you are both winners.  Congratulations!

Dodge Ball

Manny being Manny just took itself to an entirely different level. Stop smiling Red Sox fans, because this can and will taint the stuff he did while you were cheering for him hitting ball after ball off of and over the monster. Stop shaking your heads, yes it does. If Alex Rodriguez gets dragged through the mud, so does your former beloved “idiot” Manny. How far does it go back? Yes I know he said he passed 15 drug tests, but he failed this one. If it opens the floodgates for everyone else, it opens the floodgates for him. Last time I checked, A-Rod just admitted it and is trying to better himself and get his career back on track.

Please stop, by the way, with the smoke screen of the test being because of a prescription handed out by a doctor. So basically what you’re telling me is, you are going to ingest something into your system which your doctor should tell you could show up on a drug test. If in fact it was a doctor he or she did go to school for what, 10 years? You’re going to sit there with a straight face and tell me you didn’t know it may show up on a test? Yet you don’t tell your team, or Major League baseball, that you’re having a personal issue and you were prescribed “X” and if you get tested it may show up on said test? I don’t care if you have the common cold, or swine flu, if you get a prescription from a doctor, in this culture we’re in, you have to bring it up and ask if its going to show up on a test.

It makes me want to throw up as a baseball fan. In fact, I think I just did throw up a little bit in my mouth. Could we just get mandatory drug testing in baseball please? Every week…every player…the whole season…Players union? Anyone? Bueller?

They will never agree to that. So guess what fans? We will never have an end to this. Where are my antacids?

We Want Torre?


And you were worried about swine flu? I’d be more worried that JJD is spreading at an alarming rate and it affected all those in attendance at the Yankees’ latest loss to the Red Sox.

Fans were chanting, “We Want Torre?”

Really?! You really think this has to do with the manager? You really think Joba Chamberlain going out and giving up four runs in the first inning (even though he rebounded for a strong finish the damage was already done) had nothing to do with the Yankees latest loss? You really think Jorge Posada being on the DL had nothing to do with the Yankees latest loss? You really think not having A-Rod has nothing to do with the Yankees getting out to a mediocre start? You really think Chien-Ming Wang basically forgetting how to pitch has nothing to do with the Yankees and the position they’re in right now? You really think the bullpen instead of being a bridge to Mariano Rivera is The Bridge on the River Kwai after the explosion has nothing to do with the Yankees being 500 after 26 games? You really think Mark Teixeira’s slump, hitting out of the three hole, has nothing to do with the Yankees not being able to stay consistent? Really?!  

The Bombers are now 0-5 against their arch rivals (which is more fan driven now, the players are too huggy kissy for me these days). Their record matches the Munsters’ address number, 13-13, and there seems to be just a general malaise floating through the air.
And you know what that general malaise is called boys and girls. Yup I am going back to the well until its bone dry. You can all say it with me, Janet Jackson Disease.

While the only cure for Bruce Dickinson’s fever was more cowbell, the only cure for the spread of JJD is, quite simply, winning.

Seriously though people, you want Joe Torre back? The same Joe Torre most of you wanted out of here? The same Joe Torre that you were fed up and disgusted with? This is why the city of New York will always be single. It’s impossible to be in a relationship with this place. It falls out of love too damn fast.

No one is more prepared, and no one gives more attention to detail than Joe Girardi. Who, by the way, is a former Manager of the Year…with the Florida Marlins. Just chill out, we haven’t even played a quarter of the season yet and the Yankees haven’t had their full team on the field once.

For some comic relief and to ease your Yankees tension check this out it always makes me laugh…RIP Dom DeLuise.


Posada – AROD Update

Listening to Joe Girardi’s press conference. Jorge will be out for two to three weeks with a strained right hamstring. Francisco Cervelli was called up. He will back up Jose Molina.  Alex Rodriguez went 3-for-6 with two home runs in an extended Spring Training game today. 

Passing of a Legend


I’m sitting in my office watching our “live shot” of Yankee Stadium. The tarp is on the field, and our crew has some Hendrix playing over the shot. Cool stuff, but ‘m a little in the dumps today. Why? Well the Yankees just lost their fourth straight game to the Red Sox last night. Jorge Posada needs an MRI on his hamstring and the Bombers have to face Josh Beckett tonight.

I have to be honest, the thing that has me bumming the most though is the passing of Dom DeLuise. My siblings and cousins can communicate with each other just through lines from his movies. If any of us were ever in a sour mood, all someone would have to do is say, “Treasure..bathtub, I’m going to take a TREASURE BATH! TREASURE BATH!” “Here, wash this!” Or maybe his entrance into a room as Captain Chaos (who he simply called, HIM) would bring one of my family members out of the doldrums.

I just know he brought a ton of laughter to me and my entire family for decades, and he will for decades to come. If you knew of him do yourselves a favor and pass on his memory to a new generation. I know I will. His credits are endless, and his humor is timeless.