Reality Bites

I’m sorry I have to vent a little bit.  Reality TV needs to take a dirt nap, and quick.  It’s like crack, it’s addicting, and as principal Joe Carter said to Sams on the roof, “It kills your brain cells, it kills your brain cells!”

The Real World
Yeah let’s start with this gem.  Remember, the title of the show is, The Real World.  Yeah seven brats in a mansion in the middle of a gigantic city, not paying rent, jobs are found for them, and they sit around and talk smack about each other.  Sounds like the real world to me.  Everything was handed to me and my friends too.  We just fell *** backwards into a mansion, complete with an in the ground pool and jacuzzi, and were given drop dead gorgeous, scantily clad roommates with who we could frolic with to our hearts content. 
You want the real Real World?  Put seven strangers in a New York apartment that costs upwards of around 3,000 dollars or more a month and it only sleeps two.  Make these twits FIND jobs, actually PAY rent, and if they want to go for a swim, the Hudson or the East River are lovely this time of year.  Jacuzzi you ask?  Well just use some natural human gas to give you a little bubble action whilst your in the river of your choice.  By the way, I still wouldn’t watch.

Keeping up with the Kardashians

This show is absolutely pointless, and the people who actually care about keeping up with these people need help.  Seriously, you people need help.  Try keeping up with your family, and keeping up with your kids, and stop living vicariously through these NITWITS who have more money than you will ever see in three lifetimes.  You just keep contributing to their VERY large bank accounts when you “keep up with them”. 
By the way, Kim, sweetie, when you get older, that thing on your body that is making you who you are today, especially after you have a child, is just going to be one big lump of cellulite.  Don’t worry though, the morons who are following you now, will find someway to make you a story then.  Enjoy your extended 15 minutes of fame.

The Hills
I haven’t watched one single solitary second of this show.  I only know about the thing through word of mouth.  Just looking at the dude Spencer though, one word comes to mind, I don’t know if its in the dictionary, but it starts with something women do and ends with the thing you put groceries in.  Enough said.

Really?  This is the title you went with?  Survivor?  Another show I haven’t watched one single solitary second of and I am proud of that because I was able to use those seconds to do more important things.  I know the premise of the show.  Don’t get me wrong.  The tribes, the tribal council, when your torch is extinguished it’s see ya later for you, and the last one standing gets the million.  You have your little challenges.  I’m very familiar with it.  When it was first popular you couldn’t open a paper or watch TV without seeing something about it. 
You want to really impress me though?  You want a show called Survivor?  Jeff Probst stay home.  Nothing against you brother you’re just trying to work.  I respect that.  I’m just saying take these people, drop them on a remote part of an island, come back in 6 months, see who’s left, then have them fight to the death.  That’s a show, and I still wouldn’t watch…well maybe, for the goof. 
By the way the contestants need to get over themselves.  You are not celebrities, you are game show contestants.  I’ve seen tons of people on the Price is Right in my life, guess what, I have no clue where they are, or how their new curio cabinet is that they won back in 1986.  I don’t have any idea where the Collins family is either from Family Feud back in the day.  Game show contestants.  Sound it out if you are having trouble.  Game…show…con-test-ants.  Focus on the last syllable, because in the scheme of things, thats where you are in the celebrity food chain.  Now all we need is a magnifying glass and a nice cloudless, hot, sunny day.  Perfect.

American Idol
If you want to be a singer, bring more to the table than doing live karaoke on television.  How about writing some songs?  How about playing an instrument?  All of the people who made it throughout the years were probably never handed a chance like this, now these people are just getting record deals thrown at them?  And all they have to do is take a little verbal abuse from my name is Simon, and I like drawrings?  Taylor Hicks, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!?!?

Jon and Kate +8
You know this is a sad state of reality for kids today.  I am the
father of a six month old daughter.  When she continues to grow up and
watch TV, she is going to see this as her way to claim fame.  Let’s see
dad, all I have to do is have multiple babies, or if that doesn’t work
I can just find a rich guy, make a sex tape, marry him, take him for
all he’s worth, and get a reality show out of it.  What ever happened
to just going to college and having a career? 
Oh and as for the show, I don’t care if you are cheating on him, or he
is cheating on you.  Have some more kids, maybe that will help.  Maybe
you’ll get 125k a show instead of 75k.  By the way, Kate, I spiked my hair in 1987.  My freshman year of high school.
A mother of eight is no more special than a mother of one.  Stop exploiting your children, but save some of that cash for their future therapy sessions. 

Not a reality show, but she makes my skin crawl.  On food stamps, with collagen in her lips, and a publicist.  Only in America.   Thanks, Oprah!  Keep up the good work glorifying these faux celebritites.  

America only YOU have the power to stop this nonsense.  Look away.  Don’t watch.  For our kids sakes.  I know you like to watch train wrecks, but no one likes rubberneckers.  Put your foot on the gas and look straight ahead.  You’ll make the world a better place.

Boys and Girls the Shearn Soap Box is back under the bed…

All Hail Joel McHale and The Soup!  Ever think of a co-host or correspondent buddy?  I’d be all about it!

The Yankees are in first place.

All is right with the world.  The REAL world.


  1. karinct

    I can’t name a survivor. I have no idea where anyone is racing to. If I wanted to watch 25 women compete for a man, I would go to Happy Hour.

    Amen is right! Keep the soapbox out, Chris. This is reality.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s